Category: Let's talk
I'm curious about this, it's come up a few times in the past few months. Someone asked me for pictures of myself and offered to send photos in return, other people offering to describe what someone looks like or asking if I know what someone looks like, and I just politely refuse, because I really don't care. This is apparently wild, because it throws everyone off when I tell them this. When it comes to finding someone or tracking them down in a crowd, then looks can matter, but in a relationship, no. In the past, when long distance partners asked what I look like, I told them, then ask. But really, I only asked out of respect, like I want to seem interested in them because I am, but then again, looks don't matter to me at all. Obviously, if someone is dirty, unkempt, or does gross things, that matters, but their general appearance doesn't make a difference. If I am interested in someone, it's because of their personality and behavior. Whatever physical characteristics that person has, I will accept, embrace, and appreciate those traits because I'm attracted to the person, and their physical traits are secondary.
Is there anyone else like me, you just don't care what others look like?
I think part of the reason people want to know what others look like has to do with being unkempt, which is easily noticed in a picture. Of course, if you ask someone what they look like they won't say, "I have long hair that is tangled because I haven't brushed or washed it in a month." But that would be easy to see in a photo. Also, I think it has to do with having a "type". I find that people who don't care about looks don't usually have a type. Is that true for you SS?
I'd agree with that.
I don't care technically how a person is created, but I do care about there appearance.
I spend lots of time caring for myself, so I like a person that tries as well. That can be noted in a picture, but not for us.
When I ask what a person looks like, I am interested in there size, height, build, and coloring. This gives me a mental picture of what they'd feel like if I touched them.
Some people are interesting as people go, but physically, not the same as there personality.
Being on both sides of the coin, I'd say as a blind person, I am less interested in looks on a whole, but I still have likes, and dislikes.
I'll give an example. Say a person is not kempt, and doesn't care for there skin. That same person can become physically interesting and look completely different if they do.
Saying that, I don't believe it is good to become involved with someone, than insist they take care of there skin, or body. So, in that respect, it matters.
As someone who lost much of their vision later in life, I have been on all sides of the
issue. I used to care about female looks when I was younger, because I could appreciate
them, and placed far less emphasis on personality and behaviour. When I was largely
rejected by a majority of the sighted females I would express an interest in, I began to
appreciate personality and the characteristics mentioned in other posts - i.e. being clean,
caring about their appearance but not necessarily possessing the physical characteristics I
valued previously, etc. Now having lost my vision, I find myself caring solely about
personality, behaviour and things like cleanliness, not limiting myself to a particular set of
physical prefrences at all. I chose a mate partially based on looks, but should I be in a
position to choose another mate in the future, I am far more open minded now and they
will have much more stringent personality and behavioural requirements to meet. Of
course, I am flexible and adaptable, wwhich has led to the drastic shift in my preferences
over the years.
I am strictly talking about gaining an understanding of someone's specific physical appearance, not whether they're unkempt or not. I don't believe anyone would describe themselves as such. I don't think people ask for physical descriptions or pictures to know whether a person is unkempt or not, but just to get an idea of what that person looks like so they can visualize them, especially if you're attracted to someone. You're not usually going to find out whether someone is unkempt or not until you meet them in-person. Sometimes pictures will reveal this, but pictures can still be made perfect, or at least the subject can for an instant.
I don't have a problem with describing myself to others, or providing pictures to a person of interest, but when it comes to the reverse, it means nothing to me.
No, I don't have a "type," not in the physical sense. I have certain personality traits and behaviors that I go for. I don't care if a guy has an athletic build or is overweight, long-haired- or short-haired, whether he's taller or shorter than me--none of that matters.
The unsolicited descriptions I get from sighted people are often tedious. That's because they describe the face. They compare the appearance of one person to another, or to a well-known painting. I fail to visualize because I lack the background knowledge. They describe things like skin color, but I can't imagine color. I can imagine skin textures, but the English language doesn't seem to have many words for those.
If I get close enough to a [person to feel comfortable touching them I learn a little about how they're built, but I still don't notice most of the same things sighted people pay attention to. For example I might recognize someone by the size and texture of their hands. Can any of you name one single sighted person who ever does that?
I think people expect verbal descriptions of things like appearance to fill in for the real experience. They can't. When people make this mistake I feel like I'm at a museum where everything is behind glass and there are no interesting things to touch or sniff. Everyone but me seems to be having fun. They want me to have fun too, so one of them delivers a constant stream of commentary. I will hardly remember any of it later. I need real sensory experiences, not empty descriptions. Without the ability to imagine what someone looks like all I get is the verbal stuff. It's boring.
Like you op, I say no because visuals simply aren't a part of my world.
I do however, care what people look like to an extent. If someone says that they don't groom themselves or whatever, I get a bit put off.
I try and compare it to someone stinking of BO or worse in your presence; that's very offputting to us; same thing really for sighted people looking at someone who's dirty or hasn't cleaned their teeth etc.
Generally I don't really care what people look like, although I do have certain types. Usually it's based on my memory of color and a voice that I associate with different types of color coordinations. Like, if I meet someone whose voice really attracts me and I find out that person has red hair, that, I guess, turns me on. But I don't limit myself to a specific visual physical type. But if someone is grossly overweight, I do admit I have a problem with that. Then I can perceive that obesity through possible physical touching, and it's a turn-off to me. I'm not talking a few pounds or even a few tens of pounds overweight; I'm talking about the fact that someone can be over 400 pounds and I'm gunna know it if I get close to them. Unless they have the physical stature to pull it off. Like, if they're well over six feet; maybe even close to seven feet. Then maybe they're very well-built or very muscular. The main attraction for me is voice, though. I just know a sexy voice when I hear it, and it has to be just right. Too deep, and it can remind me of my father, which I'm not going to bed with that. Loved my father, but not in that way. Too high, and I get a soft-on. Suffice it to say that sexy voices are somewhat harder to pin down, but I know them when I hear them.
I'd say I go primarily by personality, voice, and behavior. Looks are definitely secondary to me, but I'd be lying to say I don't care at all about them. I don't think I'd reject someone based on looks. With me it's more a curiosity. The poster who said sighties don't give descriptions that mean much is right, because usually they talk about the shape of a face, or eyes, or comparing them to someone else's looks. I get curious about the things I can picture, like hair length, or height, etc. But again, it's not because it's a deal-breaker, it's just a curiosity so I can try to build a picture of them in my head beyond a voice. It's by no means the first question that pops into my head, but I tend to ask it at some point.
In the basics of human software, two forms of recognition are sought after, by the most elementary aspects of the brain: faces and voices. Naturally, to us blind people, especially those of us who have never seen, we don't do the face thing. But imagine how much gets communicated by voice to us. It's intense at times, and we can misread people's vocal expressions or judge someone incorrectly. We don't get a credibility pass for not being shallow, because speaking for myself here at least, I can be totally turned off by a voice.
Anyone can brush the hair, put on mnice clothes, work out and look fine. But who can really control their voice? I've always felt conflicted about this. I know it's nature. It's actually impossible for a sighted person to tell us what someone looks like, unless they're prepared ahead of time to do so without bias. It's similar for us telling someone else what someone's voice sounds like. The sense are incredibly imperfect, and we fill in the gaps with our own ideas.
It's also really easy now to distribute pictures to people. Harder to distribute voice audio.
You may find the following of interest, and it relates to noverbal communications including pictures and voice: the U.S. Navy recommended that its sailors correspond with significant others on shore using audio recordings instead of written letters, back in the 80s, because the misunderstandings created by written words caused a lot of relationship breakups. Now of course, with voice and video for most people, it can be easier.
Personally, I think when someone describes another person to me, they're telling me how they feel about that person. Unless they're unusually skilled at unbiased description.
I am kind of in the middle on this...
I am not in the position to choose a mate - I am happy with my husband - but I am sometimes curious about someone's general appearance. Occasionally a friend will make a reference to their eyes, hair, etc., which sparks some questions from me just so I could get a mental picture. But it's more after I get to know someone based on personality...
So, yes and no?
Kate
Kate, I agree with you; that's how I am. The looks don't mean much to me obviously but I can get a bit of an idea.
I definitely don't have a particular type of person that I fall for, but I do have specific turn-ons and turn-offs.
to answer Raven's question more directly though, no, I don't really care about what a person looks like.
if I like personality traits of people, and I spend enough time with them to get a feel for what they're about, I sometimes am curious about their looks, not cause I understand color the way a sighted person does, but cause I wanna know if the visual that I form in my head sounds nice, as well as how other's perceive said person's looks.
Since I've never seen, looks are a nondoable for me.
But, I do judge people on their voice quality--for good or ill.
I remember one time I met this girl whose personality was great, and she had a delicious voice. I told a friend of mine that I really liked her, and he described her as a dog.
The girl and I became friends, but we never dated. Maybe she thought I was a dog too.
Bob
Woof!
I seem to have missed the point of the original poster's question entirely.
I've never had useable vision either, but that doesn't mean looks totally don't matter to me.
they matter to a much lesser extent to me than they do to most people, but they definitely do matter.
If I were to say that looks didn't matter to me at all, that would be not being honest.
This being said, as I have never seen before, it doesn't matter much. Sometimes I'll ask about certain people, but that's not that often. And generally, for me, it is because I'm just curious. If there is a girl that I'm eyeing, (Pardon the pun there), then I'll definitely ask. It's not important, as mentioned earlier, but I do get an idea of what she may look like, which when I may feel her in a non-sexual or sexual way, I know what to expect, if that makes any sense.
Yes. It makes sense.
Even if you don't see, you have things you'd like better to touch then not.
Also, a description gives you a sense of what that person might be like, non sexually, or sexually.
She/he's tall, short, plump, not.
Has short hair, long.
Now you might not care that she/he has a mold on the left side, but you might if she/he is to skinny for your taste, if we are talking in a dating sense, and I think so.
Glad the message came through, Wayne.
I don't have an issue with too skinny, honestly. I'm quite thin myself, honestly.
I admit with a woman I'm with, I like to pet her hair lots. So hair that is full of chemicals and all sticky / spiky / prickly may look great but for me it is a total turn-off.
Great point, Leo!
Soft hair, for me, is a lot more appealing than all the spiked up hair, haha. I also tend to like straight more than curly, but that's just my preference.
As long as they sound OK, smell OK, act OK....
So, we care to a point. Smile.
I wonder if the poster set down and thought about it, would she ccome up with something she'd like if she had a choice?
Example, you have 2 guys on a dating sight. They both are nice, but one has curly hair, and is white.
The other is bald, and is Mexican.
You've said you don't care, so can I pick?
Hmm, this question can be answered a couple ways. first of all, in general; do I care what someone sitting across from me on the bus looks like? no. do I care what my friend that I am having lunch looks like? well, a little bit. for example, if she is dressed in an inappropriate manner, or, if she is really dirty and unkempt.
then, there is the matter of what a partner looks like. in this case, most definitely I do care what he looks like.
I take care of myself. I am clean. I am fit. I exercise. I eat right. I take care of my skin. I don't smoke, therefore, I don't stink like cigarettes. therefore, I would want my man to also have a similar lifestyle which would mean that, he too, would most likely look nice. hey, the guy may be super nice but, if he's fat and out of shape, eats doughnuts and drinks beer all day long while smoking cigars then, he's not going to be the man for me. he may be a great guy but, if he doesn't take a shower, dresses like a total slob in public and has greasy hair then, no thanks.
so, yes, it does matter. and, I would venture to say that, those who say that they don't care what others look like are, for the most part, just trying to portray themselves as properly PC.
I haven't effectively conveyed my point. When I say I don't care what someone looks like, I am talking about their basic physical traits. If they are slim or plump, tall or short, long-haired, short-haired, or bald, straight-haired or curly-haired, things of that nature. I am not talking about how someone dresses, their hygiene, or the lifestyle they lead. I am saying I do not choose to befriend or date someone based on their physical traits, body type, hair-color, and so on. There is a difference between those characteristics. I am being honest; I am not trying to be PC, or call anyone out for being more choosy. There is nothing wrong with having a type or being unattracted to or turned off of someone for being white, mexican, brunette, blonde, curly-haired, too skinny, or heavy-set. However, I personally do not care about those things. For me, it sincerely boils down to who that person is. Hopefully, this made more sense than my other posts. Again, I'm talking about basic physical traits, not clothing, hygiene, and lifestyle.
OK, I understand that. however, so many things about the way a person looks can be changed. if they are a redhead and want brown hair, no problem, just dye it. if they are fat and want to be in shape, exercise and change your lifestyle. if you are short you can wear shoes that make you taller.
I still think that I would have to say that, yes, I do care what someone looks like. I prefer certain body types over others. mind you, this is speaking for someone whom I am potentially dating. for friends no problem. I still believe that most people do have preferences about the looks of a partner. whether they would actually come right out and admit it, now that is another story.
for me, voice is also important. I just could not get interested in a man whose voice was not attractive to me. as for hair color, well, I can't see it so, that would not matter to me. but body type, I can feel that so, yes, that would matter to me. other things such as, nose, chin, etc. now that is not so important to me. but, I think that those sorts of things make up the face and, that would be important to a sighted person.
but, when you are talking about looks, as in; what does that person look like? then, yes, I do think that dress, cleanliness, etc would be taken into consideration. well, unless you have a naked pic. lol.
You know, I used to think a person's voice was really important. That is, if I was going to date that person.
But now, I don't know, I've just kinda gotten over that. That's not to say I don't enjoy someone who has an extremely attractive voice, because I'll tell you, I really do.
I think a lot of you have summed it up all right. I may not care about what one may look like that is across the street from me, but I will care about how someone is looking who is my friend.
And yes, if you are a woman of which I'm dating, I do care a little more. Call me shallow or whatever you wish, but I'm just being honest.
Okay, but I did understand that you didn't mean physical or body type.
But, I am interested in my question.
If you had 2 men, one is Mexican and bald, the other is white but has hair.
You can choose. They are both the same in all other aspects, but ones heavy and the other is slim.
Who would you choose?
Would you date a black man if he told you he was black?
Dana, I don't think anyone here is trying to give cop-out answers. some of us, myself included, even flat out said that we are turned off by certain things, and acknowledged that, although looks don't matter to a huge extent, they do matter, at least somewhat.
Wayne,
For the sake of the thought experiment, I would choose the heavy-set guy. In my past experience with relationships, heavy-set guys are generally less selfish, more caring and considerate, and better in bed.
Okay, so in some cases, it matters.
I was just interested if you had any preferences provided you had a choice offered.
Thanks for that.
I do understand what you are getting at, but I'd say generally, we probably have some likes, or dislikes.
This could be due to exactly as you've stated, experiences, or some people believe they are better suited sticking to the same race group.
I'd venture looks are different perceived by the blind, but they do matter to us on a level.
Oh, and thanks for answering my question.
to answer Wayne's question, I would personally choose the bald guy, cause he may be the man of my dreams, with totally endearing and respectable qualities. so, if I were to choose someone else, I might just be missing out on a wonderful experience.
Do I care what others look like? Of course I do, that is to the extent that I can be aware of these things. Seems to me that this is the point that many of you have been making, certain things like hair colour and eye colour may be less important to blind people simply because they don't really come into play. Still if someone tells me about hair colour that makes me formulate certain ideas about people if only for the fact that hair colour is something people actually choose today so that natural hair colour vs died hair says something about the person along with everything else. People of course put stock in different things and that's true with blind people just as much as anyone else. I personally do not sense auras of people and therefore don't care how they are and have to go with something else. I no a person who clames seing auras around everyone and obviously this makes a big difference to her.
Lastly I want to say that attitude towards someones looks can change dramatically as we get to know people, at least they do for me. A voice that I find unattractive at first can become the most beautiful thing I've ever heard and vice versa.